Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Introducing a very special Guest blogger...

Today's post is brought to you by my very good friend, fellow Schnecksvillian, daughter of my first grade teacher, former Broome Street roommate, and bridesmaid Mallory! I think this is the beginning of a beautiful Blogship, enjoy!:

Good Evening, ladies and gentlemen. I suppose I should adjust the time stamp on this as I am not quite sure when Laura will be posting it. Good Evening to those of you who might be reading this in the evening.
Good Afternoon to those of you who perchance are reading this as you gradually ease back into your afternoon from lunch…I don’t blame you! Walk around, go the bathroom, see what everyone else in your office is doing...don’t work too hard there, Tiger! After all…it is only Wednesday!
And a very, very special Good MORNING to those of you who stumbled upon this little gem in the A.M. Kudos to you, friend! It is 9:46am and you have already made the executive (yet, equally weighty) decision that you will NOT be doing work today! As someone who should currently be working and/or doing grad-school applications, I salute you! I also encourage you to now squint at the screen, nod, and bite your lip to give the illusion that you are actually doing something productive! I also want you to fathom the difficulty with which I am typing this…as I am currently on the Disabled List. Last night, I slammed my middle finger, the pride of my right hand, and my favorite vulgar-gesture bearer in the trunk of my car. I am surprised all of Hoboken, including my favorite couple, Mandy and Billy, [note from Laura: "HEY! Why don't you go blog for them then if they're your favorite!! harumph..."] did not hear me all the way 5 blocks up, because I let out a string of obscenities to beat the band. I mean there were some good, filthy ones in there. None of which will be posted here. Because I promised Laura. However, I did not promise her that I would not repeat her tasteless comments. When I informed her of my injury and the difficulty it took me to type, that little vixen promptly responded with…"Oh Good! It will be a challenge! Like a kid in a wheelchair doing a half-marathon!” … Stunned. Too far? Too soon? Never.

And now…on to my first (and possibly last) "Saying I Do” blog post!

Ahh…weddings. I remember my wedding as if it were yesterday. It was on a beach and my prince was there finally waiting to sweep me out of the water…while my father, with tears in his eyes, sent a rainbow soaring above our nuptial ship as we sailed out of view into the…oh. No. Wait…that’s actually the end of Disney’s The Little Mermaid…em…well…this is awkward.

No dear friends, I have not yet had the good fortune to tie the knot, however I do (yes, in all my immaturity and snarky comments) know a thing or 5 about weddings. And speaking of FIVE…

Today’s guest blog is brought to you by the number…FIVE!

Because that’s the number of weddings I will have been in as of (including) this  "Celebration of Love". That’s right, Laura and Chris’s wedding marks my 5th appearance as a bridesmaid…so trust when I say,  "I’m getting good at this." Reading that back to myself, makes me feel slightly nauseated, as…truth be told…I often wonder if I ever will actually get married myself. I know I’m a charming, educated, tasteful, and adorned with (non-prison) tats beauty…but hey…who knows...I digress. And I like to plan ahead regardless. Thus this blog post. I’m getting to the meat and potatoes now, I swear.

While the "Celebration of Love" is being planned, young Laura and dear sweet Chris have many facets of love-celebrating to deal with. Flowers. Cake. Dresses. And Booze. Food. Venue (I am still pretty upset/offended it’s not at Bruno’s on the Boulevard). Booze. And of course I am hoping they serve alcohol at this thing….hello, Sweendog gotta get paid, son! But above all, there is the all-important actual ceremony to consider. And here’s where things get a little hairy (no pun intended. JK. Obvious lay-up pun intended). Chris has requested a Catholic service and rightfully so, as it is his, and his whole family’s religion of choice. But Laura is concerned that her unbaptized self may make it difficult to find a Catholic priest to marry them…again, rightfully so. (Laura, I pray for you daily and hope your soul won’t burn or float in purgatory for all eternity.) Also, clearly kidding. But indeed, we have the crux of the problem. A cross to bear. A plague upon both your houses! Aye, there’s the rub. But I am also sensitive to this as I too, might, one day be faced with an inter-religion marriage…and by that I mean I will probably marry a model. So I, have taken it upon my procrastinating-self to find, and document for you here:

The TOP FIVE People I think should MARRY LAURA AND CHRIS!

* Rabbi Serena Fujita
* Advisor
* email:
Ok, so she’s a Rabbi. She was the Rabbi from the Hillel at Bucknell. Cool. But also, this lady is the most open, accepting person I know. I used to generally say “What’s up” to her whenever I saw her on campus and even though she had no idea who I was, she’d wave and smile. Here’s her campus bio: Rabbi Serena Fujita was ordained from Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion, the Reform Movement's seminary. One of her main interests has been interfaith communication, and she participated in several ongoing dialogues with seminarians from many different faith communities. See...interfaith! Plus she’s so liberal, I’m pretty sure she’d marry me to a rake if I asked. [note from Laura: Please don't]

Whoever these people are.
     Sweet Gawd I can’t even like, make fun of this. Read.

3. Paul Oakley
He’s a Universalist Unitarian Unicycle something or other who resides with his partner and his cats in           Chicago but often makes trips to the east-coast to see his dogs “grand-puppies.” I kid you not. He’d def. Marry you in any type of ceremony you choose…FYI: he lists “scarves” as one of his interests on his blog. Jackpot.

Mark Williams [note from Laura: Any relation to Buddy Williams? eh? eh? (sorry inside joke)] He plays Arthur Weasley in the Harry Potter movies. He works for the ministry of magic…therefore…ministry… magic…celebration of love…ok this is a stretch. I pick him though…and if you don’t like it…go find one of those gothic, moody, underfed kids from Twilight, why dontcha? Actually…a great idea…but now on to my number one choice for the marriage of Laura and Chris...

1. Stephen Colbert.

I think he is the obvious choice to perform the ceremony and I think no one would complain. And if they do, they clearly hate weddings, love, and America.

That’s all for now. If you get bored check out these two links I was DYING to squeeze into this blogpost but couldn’t do so with a purpose:

Vampire Wedding Gown

Discount Wedding Dresses?

Goodbye my babies. Stay-tuned for more guest-posts by moi. But probably not. [note from Laura: Yes more to come!]


kate said...

This is HILARIOUS. I literally lol'd at the Little Mermaid part. I vote for more guest posts! :) I would also like to know more do's and don'ts as a bridesmaid and just generally what you liked/disliked. I've only been in a few weddings - best friend's in May - so would love to know if there's anything you recommend.

Mom said...

When this originally posted I had no way of commenting as Laura's blog did not allow anyone without a URL to post. Finally, I can now comment. I remember lmao when I first read this and here we are a year later and I'm still lmao alhtough for some reason it's still there (don't think too hard on that one!). This post reminds me of another December when you were videotaped as the Christmas Fairy and blamed all of the world's ills on "George @&$&*** Bush!"

Mallory, you are hysterical and I so enjoy you!!